Brain Shit

Through Sickness and Hate

2011-11-04T16:52:00.000+08:00

Ex-PrezGMA is sick! Not the praising, over-zealous, colloquial term ‘sick’ but sick asin the hospital-lounging, doctor-needing kind of sick.

Apparently,the procedure needed for her recovery is non-existent here, so she (and herpeople) and her ailing body needs to fly away, in some foreign land to avail ofthis “exotic” Metabolic Bone Biopsy.

However,the forces of PNoy Admin (Justice Leila De Lima, Usec Ona and friends) areslowing down the assessment of the essentiality of her skipping town with theiroverly strict requirements. The GMA camp feels they are being over-scrutinizedby The Forces even after complying with their demands. The Camp feels that thiswhole process is getting in the way of her right to life. (But I think no onereally wants not to let her fly abroad and get this treatment; of course that’sjust me.)

Andnow The Camp brings out the big guns, big words like the “constitutionality” ofher right to seek medical needs abroad. Constitutionality? Where was this whenshe was the president? Suddenly this is the GMA mantra. Lest they forget thatkarma’s a slut and screws you in places you didn’t thought possible (bones,backbone, neck)

Thiswhole medical drama is an episode of House MD waiting to happen. But she isn’tthe only one who is sick. Everyone’s sick of her lies and alibis and abuses topower that the fear of 1.) “Faking it to avoid being brought to court” and 2.) “Onceshe’s out the country, she’s gone for good” is on everyone’s hate radar. Hateis infectious and you can’t blame the people for catching it.

Filipinosare an emotional race and technicalities like “constitutionality” is an acquiredtaste. GMA has toyed with Filipinos’ hearts and souls for so many times and itshuman nature to feel suspicious with her imported medical procedure, after allthe bad things that have happened in this relationship. With all the issuesthat happened during her presidency, all the whistleblowers and recorded evidenceshave come out, what we still just have of her are our suspicions.

Filipinosand their dramas are an over-extended, filler-episode filled TV series. So forthe mean time, sit back, relax ‘coz the nasty’s just about to ooze out.

ButI do hope everyone gets their due cure: GMA with her Metabolic Bone Biopsy andFilipinos with the truth.

Styling gig

2011-06-25T22:39:00.009+08:00

With the strange strings of coincidences, I became an Assistant Stylist to Patrick Galang for Philippine Fashion Week TV 2011. The experience was SICK! Here are some photos (by the creative bro&sis team of Eunice and Art Alera):

Me, Mau and Pat are Patrick Galang's assistants for PFWTV. These are taken during and after a fashion show.

I got assigned styling Vicky Herrera, PFWTV's correspondent for Philippine Fashion Week 2011. And Eka Paredes is her PA

2NE1 (To anyone)

2011-05-24T02:05:00.003+08:00

I've only been 21 for a few weeks but I feel ancient. Everytime I hear myself say I'm 21, the feeling is unreal. Really, 21? And my response is: really, 21! And the longer I spend affirming myself the realities of my time, the older I age by the second. Upon this post, I am almost 11 months away from turning 22.

Proof of this slow and sudden feeling of decay is that popular music no longer sounds fresh, my ears flap for "indie" music (although most of the artists I listen to don't prefer such title). By memory I do know how it feels to be enchanted by pop music. The Bieber's and others of this "generation" is a familiar phenomena, pop sensations that have reincarnated themselves for new audience. I was once there, a fanatic for such acts, but now I just don't get them. Not to single out any mainstream artist now but, ulk (vomits a little in the mouth)! Music now's so icky! So did the generation older than mine shared the same disgust when it was my hay day in the pop cult fanaticism? Which brings me back to my point that I am now, indeed, old.

But I don't feel much different, not a penny missing, not a pickle out of place. I am as me as I was as far as I can remember. I feel old and musky although really, nothing much has changed. I am my same height 4 or 5 years back. I still watch the same cartoons. I have the same humor. No, I am not available in 46 different languages and still no batteries are included but yes, I am still the familiar version of me you and I know of. But now, I do come with a wider selection of experience.

If you knew me before and haven't got any updates about my doings, well nothing much has happened really, you didn't miss much. We all have our stories of wines and whines, of boos and booze. I guess it's all the same really. I had a hard time at school, and so did you. I watched a movie, and so did you. The people, the event, and other features may be different but the situation's all the same. If I summarized my life to this point, I can simply say "I've been busy with school my entire life."

But what sets me apart from my previous years are the stories I have the fortune (or misfortune) of keeping. I do believe that this are not mine but I'm a lucky contestant plucked from the anonymity of the audience to win moments with people that are generous enough to share with me an experience.

Yep, I am me (can I get any vaguer than this?) but the lives I've come across with are the bangles, earrings, necklaces, rings, chokers, headbands and other twinkles that make me shine all the more brighter in the face of our naked sun.

Lessons From Recent History

2011-05-06T23:37:00.003+08:00

So here's the low down, apparently my beloved country (Philippines) is in dispute over the whole RH Bill issue over at the legislature. The No's versus the Yes'es. Personally, I'm a nodder for this one. I like to think that it's a step our nation is taking towards changing times and values of the people (and of the globe). Don't worry though, if you're against it, you won't be receiving any unanswered, heavy breathing phone calls from me or I won't even bully you with cyber demonic spells, that would be unfair. I mean, don't you just love this mess? I find it amazing that the people are squandering on issues that actually matter, not like previous Kapamilya or Kapuso wars making people decide on which sexy leading lady to drool on or which noon time show to have lunch with. It's a real issue people, and it's one raging with controversies.

It's so controversial in fact, that our country's religions are all trying to dip in this legal pool. It really is unfair for these institutions to use moral leverage in winning its flock's opinions. Tugging on spiritual strings? That's practically intimidation and black mailing all in one. Do not use the name of the Lord in vain (as commandment number 2 of the catholic order states), it is somewhat the same as dropping the H-bomb over television network wars. IT IS UNCALLED FOR. Yeah I'm pro-RH Bill, and you're against it, so what, we both have the right to think so don't we? No matter the issue, respect is respect and that's that. The song may be sang a million renditions but Aretha (and all the rest) still sings it R-E-S-P-E-C-T! I mean, isn't that what great nations thrive on, passage of opinion so that the very soul of this nation be quenched, the very soul of which is democracy. We are not just a country of crosses or veils, we are people of this country, the very reason why we are called Filipinos. We are of this country and having a different say on public matters means we are of thinking decent, with empathy for our beloved soil. In this occasion's rarities must we be proud of ourselves for having a stand, pro or against, we should not make anything personal out of it and think of it as doing a favor for the betterment of the laws of the land. In this dispute must we put faith in our public leaders to summon the rightest decision. But needless to say, yes or no, you are making yourself useful by joining public opinion dialogues. And aren't we people united in spectacle over what will happen?

Of course talking about unity in this country has changed over its run on history. Katipunan, that's so last century and EDSA People Power Revolution is so 80's. When we talk about unity while staying in the current context, unity is Manny Pacquiao and his fights. Time stops for Pacquiao fights, a golden moment not only for TV networks but for our sacred Filipino pride as well. I recently watched Pacman's biography via Bio (TV channel) and was amazed at how he triumphed over all odds even if it means fighting some battles twice, Erik Morales and politics.

Just like achieving unity these days, politics has taken a shape-shifting mold, too. Weird enough that the celebrity-turned-politicians culture is accepted here, weirder is the fact that politicians are turning into celebrities. Take the President himself, Benigno Aquino III, or Noynoy. Using the name Noynoy, doesn't that speak of something else? It's a nickname, we address our president by his nickname. Is it to breathe in a sense that he is one with the people, to make him seem someone easy to relate to? Last time I checked, the other president who enjoys such name calling was a drunkard and got ousted by the people, and in fact, a former celebrity. And now the tides have turned and the presidency itself is turning the man a celebrity. Don't get me wrong, the Aquino's are no stranger to the lime light. His sister Kris is the Queen of All Media, and a Queen stands higher from a president. Its the Queen, you have to curtsy and all, and the president? Oh, everyone's on nickname basis with that one.

We even follow him on his personal affairs. A double headline for the papers, both the front page and the entertainment section. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy (my ballot in 2010 says so otherwise), he's not the most hardworking or the brainiest president of the republic ever, but he is an honest man. One of the many speculated reasons why he won is because he was seen the least evil (are we in hell?) of the presidential candidates. Mr. President is a nice man so much in fact that we trail him around town, and also make a celebrity out of the next woman he rubs skin with. The presidential paparazzi stake-outs need to stop.

But the real issue here is why we get to choose people who are the "least evil" of the bunch? Have the standards dropped so low that instead of choosing the BEST we gravitate towards the least evil one? Are we that drunk in corruption that the dizzy is making us swoon for could be's rather than should be's? Is the situation that bad that actual skills to run the country are overlooked because we choose people who are nice enough not to take our money? So if I run as president, being innocent *wink wink* and uncorrupt, will I be the least evil, will I win?

Our jacked up reality has got the steams of our morality blowing in the wrong holes.

Playing with thy self

2011-04-26T14:49:00.004+08:00

This is an attempt to be vain.
This is to vanquish post-graduation/unemployment boredom.
This is to kill the heat.
This is making use of prime, internet real-estate.
This is just a filler to say that I am still blogging.
This is just to fill the empty void that this summer has created in my daily preoccupations.

This is what I mean when I say slashed wrist

2011-04-15T13:35:00.007+08:00

I am still a firm believer of epiphanies. It's not that I am bad in decision making (or am I?) but there are just those things where I feel I need to sit it out, do nothing and wait until I hear a bell ping (or gold to fall out the sky).

Some people say it's procrastinating, I say nay.

Like this blog for instance, during its creation I said to myself that I would at least write once a month. But excuses got lamer, days got more tiring, brain got stupider, ass got lazier, at this point, this is an empire fallen before it had seen its golden age. So once and a while I do have that horse kick feeling in my gut to blog and write my soul away and there I am, brain trembling in excitement, shaky fingers fumble away until it comfortably finds its way to the backspace button. The whole thing (the blog post and the idea) defeated by default.

Even now, several hair styles later, calories burned then renewed, fallen in and out of love, callous growing thicker by each step, and blogging is actually "old school", this thing is crude.

So have i grown crude?

What happened? As they say awareness is the first step, and in an attempt to calculate "what may have happened", these are some things I need to address:

The courageous persona that I try to embody is actually a wolf costume for the scaredy cat that I am.
That I fear a lot of things: change, chance, success, failure and all these are causing a personal disability called anxiety.
I still don't know what I want. I mean, I am prepared for battle, so prepared that my many armaments are causing me time and that the enemy have already attacked before I even decided which weapon to deploy.

Its not that I can ask the universe to mellow down, so can I just say fuck it? I just hate how I stop myself from doing things. The real life doubting Doody. A second guessing, post-teen angst, pre-pre midlife crisis experiences that is only putting me in a shit filled misery landfill. I'm blaming climate change, its melted my armor and burnt my braincells making me dumber and wimpier by each UV ray.

What's wrong with waiting for signs anyway? I say nay to procrastinating because actually I'm stalling.

How long will these fears keep me shackled?

....and the bus to crazy town leaves in
3...
2..
1.....

Pre-vday 2011

2011-02-13T21:29:00.001+08:00

J: Let's grow old together ha?
M: Older than the oldest.

:)

Here's to blogging and the lack thereof

2010-12-25T23:23:00.002+08:00

I'm too wimpy to write. Afraid that what I say will go straight to hell with its disappointing outcome. Too heavy to soar, too dead [if there's such a thing].

I'm too egotistic to write. Afraid that what I will say will be read by people. I know, wrong medium to write on. I should have used the traditional journal, the one with paper.

So, wala lang, para masabi lang makapagblog ako, here's some drafts.

***
I'm never really the talkative one. I'm the type who keeps to herself. Frigid and locked away on a self constructed fortress. A hermit.

***
People who are around me might say that I'm really loud, a goofball and the crazy one among the crowd. Yes that is also true because I have the urgency to feel uneasy when the people around me looks unentertained.

***
However, words have lingered on to the tip of my tongue and got washed up by the immediate wave of saliva, only to be swallowed.

***
Energy is neither created nor destroyed; a law about thermodynamics. But wiggling on about in my everyday misadventures, I learn that it's another thing that can be observed even when not on a physics class.

***
Judgment is always just a judgment until built into mountains of our personal biases. I

***
its these silly little accidents that seem to wound us to greater history ahead.

***
if something grabs our attention, its that second look that would lock us with better realizations.

***

I'm better off on Twitter. :|

Mark

2010-02-01T01:08:00.004+08:00

The common notion is, a person falls in love.
I didn't really fall.
My spirit leaps to new highs.
Shoots off, breaking aerial bounds.
Keeps spreading its wings for you.

This floating feeling
is fleeting.
You keep me high,
anti-gravity.

I'm in space
from a distance I watch
the world spin
before my eyes.

The world is you.

12 days of Christmas

2009-12-21T03:46:00.001+08:00

On the twelvth day of Christmas, Atty Kho gave to me...

12 summary papers
11 summary papers
10 summary papers
9 summary papers
8 summary papers
7 summary papers
6 summary papers
5 SUMMARY PAPERS.....
4 summary papers
3 summary papers
2 summary papers
and a summmaaaaaryyy paaaappperrr!!!

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS :D

brain freeze

2009-11-29T11:16:00.003+08:00

don't worry if you're left all alone to mingle afloat with all the digital mumblings, a prey tangled in a presupposed web of the world. don't be sad for we are both neglected. There's just too many concerns, too many crisis that focus is a skill i need to re-aquire. i'm not a big fan of one sentence blog posts (that's for my twitter, i think)for i conceived this blog as an institute for self-published works.

all that's left of me is to bite my nails. all this will be over.
i'll come back for you..

teaser

2009-09-29T06:57:00.000+08:00

once the sem ends, i solemnly pledge *inhale, exhale*
to start blogging again.

my mind is plagued with bolder thoughts about this random planet and i can't wait to redeem my creativity.

the days are a ticking bomb to freedom.
tic toc tic toc......

FAITH AND FATE

2009-05-20T17:43:00.002+08:00

Everyday is a test of patience. Lotto tickets are sold like an ant trail and yet the jackpot is not any easier to win. Crazy elixirs and potions are sold on the corners of Quiapo church everyday for the hopes of any bodily miracle to happen. Creating accounts on online dating services is a hit in order to open up possibilities that the old fashioned Cupid seems to miss. These are just a couple of examples on how we battle supreme forces everyday. Each time we are willing to place ourselves in vulnerability, or whenever we put our position on the chopping block, where do we really put our faith into: to God or to fate itself?

Religion and just plain luck are two very different things, which we commonly relate the one a part of the other. Religion for me is giving meaning and purpose to anything unexplainable. It is a guideline that we adhere ourselves into in order to create a path that we lead our life to. This is not to say that the presence of God is false, but more importantly, religion in its essence is addressing God as the soul provider for anything at all that we may or may not know. In other words God is the center and religion is an institution that tries to meet with God’s strict standards to be catered to all its believers. But what about fate: if we are serving our self in the hands of fate, then time is the realization of fate's plan. Time is like the flowing of water in which the crashing of its current is the setting in action of what is bound to happen for us. Fate and the existence of God are both a mystery. But the church provides a lot of evidences that strengthens the notion of an omniscient God unlike fate that you’ll only acknowledge its presence when the feeling of what is bound to happen actually came upon. Basically, the difference between the two is if we put our devotion in religion to answer behind all that is happening around us, we know that its prime mover is God, and if in fate then it is just fate on its own, no spiritual transcendence whatsoever.

The end result of our faith in God is called blessing while if the hands of fate intervened with our lives then that results to what we call destiny. But what if something depressing happens and we placed all our faith to God, does this still transpire to a blessing?

More often than not, when this situation plays its part in our life, we immediately blame fate for this misfortune to befall on us. What we don’t see is that religion already provides answer for it; we forget that even all negativities are blessings in which we benefit from. In this case, it is now called a blessing in disguise. All of these negative results should be taken advantage of and should be used as a ladder to climb to a higher understanding of things around and above us. But when it comes to fate, it is usually connected when we experience something unexpected to just pop-out out of nowhere. If we believe solely on our religious faith to give meaning to different events that we experience or vice versa, what is the importance now of distinguishing faith (religious) from fate?

Drawing a line between which is which is necessary to avoid confusion and to avoid pagan beliefs. Fraudulent products are of abundance and smart decision making is necessary to outwit people of wrong intentions. By clearly defining the difference between the two, people would no longer fall for schemes that claim to have strong results but proves worthless in the long-run. Although people have attested that their lucky pendants have done wonders for them or by wearing specific colors actually improved their lives, they fail to realize that fate is fate and what is bound to happen will eventually happen. A lot of people are taken advantage of due to the lack of understanding of fate.

Not only will this avoid lack of judgment but this will also improve our faith to whatever religion we believe in. Rather than relaxing and waiting for our destiny to arrive, this gives us a stronger bond with God and this gives us the capability of addressing him as the perpetrator of the events that are happening to us.In times of darkness and we fall face flat on the ground we often ask help from a lot of people and forces around us. And haggling for survival is not the best tip we could give to anyone. If fate will actually take its toll on us and God as well, we should not take this as a signal for indolence, rather, let us gorge in it to experience life in full colors.

The next time you risk something, are you addressing it to the Supreme Being or to lady luck?

Overdosed

2009-03-25T08:54:00.000+08:00

If I would depict life as scenery, I would place it as the beach and the ocean swallowing it. Its a place where the horizons are sewn in silky blue thread and its infinity is of tranquil journey. Nothings exists upon eye level but in the bowels of the sea, undiscovered creatures are boogieing to the jolly waves of the water. As mysterious and surreal as life itself.

For countless of times, my angsty, rebellious, and acne filled teen-hood stapled notions that I think created permanent residency within me. Although I have built wobbly, rotten plywood foundations for it, for the years to come I would like to cement it, build high fences around it and probably even turn it into a fortress of morals that I would gladly pass around to anyone willing to pay me any mind. I find myself cool, radical and sometimes a hypocrite for believing the things I believe. I once said that you are the master and slave of your own life (although I'm pretty sure I only copied that phrase from someone else's quote) and with that, it matters to me that we forge paths of our own at whatever price. If your going to live why not make it yours, traverse beaten paths, discover secret hideaways, burrow through holes than to follow railways and highways and end up jay-walking or harassed by a bully cop.

The internet is probably my favorite invention of all time, who ever invented/discovered/plagiarized it should be beatified by the pope soon. You can easily zoom in and out of anything you wish to familiarize (or unfamiliarize) yourself to. And with that note I would like to share to you this digital treasure of knowledge that I found.

Marijuana: The Simple, Logical Benefits of Legalization

August 16, 2006 by

Richard Sepulveda

Economic, Legal and Medical Reasons

Marijuana is the most recreationally used illegal drug in the United States. It has been estimated that literally millions of otherwise law abiding Americans use the drug to get "high". Still there are millions of others that use the drug to ease their suffering from ailments like:

Thus doctors that could prescribe it to their patients as a treatment are fearful to do so even though they reside in a state that has medicinally legalized. It is truly ridiculous that Marijuana should be illegal in a nation where Tobacco kills thousands of people each year from lung cancer and Alcohol causes a majority of fatal car accidents and petty disputes.

Especially considering that Marijuana is not as nearly harmful to the body as the negative advertising around it (payed for by alcohol and cigarette companies by large) would lead someone to believe. In fact In a study deliberately covered up by the U.S. govt until recently, The National Toxicology Program found no evidence that Marijuana causes cancer. In fact the study proved the exact opposite.

Animals that were exposed to THC (the acronym that stands for the active chemical in Marijuana also known as Tetrahydrocannabinol) showed less of a risk of getting cancer then those that weren't. Study after study has shown that Marijuana actually decreases a persons risk of getting cancer and that smoking Marijuana does not increase a persons risk of getting any of the cancers associated with smoking. So besides the fact that the drug may actually fight cancer why else should we legalize marijuana? Now I will give you some common sense reasons for legalization:

ECONOMIC REASONS:
Legalizing Marijuana would create a new multi-billion dollar industry in the United States with a substance that can be taxed by the govt thereby generating more money to fund govt programs and create more govt jobs.

The currently labor suffering midwest would be saved by Marijuana processing factories requiring large amount of labor creating thousands of new jobs for middle america.

Shipping commerce from middle America to the big cities and their ports for exporting and importing marijuana would increase dramatically.

The increased trade with marijuana producing nations would help to stabilize their struggling third world economies. This would also help to curve illegal immigration to the states from major marijuana producing nations like Mexico by creating a new mexican industry fresh with new jobs. Lowing incentive for illegal immigrants to cross the border in search of work.

Small businesses that sell marijuana would see increased profits which they have been needing since many former cigarette smokers are now quitting.

Alcohol and Tobacco companies would be forced to push their products harder thereby dumping millions of dollars more into advertising.

Televised anti-marijuana ads would be a thing of the past making room for other commercials to advertise their products.

Marijuana can grow almost anywhere thus there is little danger of a weak crop and falling profits

Not to mention that Economists at large have thrown their favor behind legalization.

LEGAL REASONS:
With marijuana users no longer being jailed for possession lots of room would be opened up in our already overcrowded prison system for more hardened offenders such as: murderers, rapists, child molesters and other violent criminals.

The Judicial system would no longer be burdened by having to trial cases involving marijuana.

The police will be able to allocate more resources to solving more violent crimes.

Since marijuana could be purchased at any drug store after being legalized, violent crimes such as: robbery, drug warfare, contamination of drugs by other substances such as: LSD, PCP and Cocaine could quickly become a thing of the past.

MEDICAL REASONS:
Marijuana has been proven on more then one occasion to not cause cancer unlike its legal counterparts tobacco and alcohol.

Patients suffering from a host of disorders and diseases such as: Cancer, Aids, Chronic pain and insomnia would have easy access to a pain reliever.

The relaxing effects of marijuana use could prevent tension and stress that cause sore muscles and or agitation and high blood pressure

We can plainly see that marijuana legalization benefits are boundless I could go one listing for days but until Americans wake up and realize that the true crime surrounding marijuana is the cornering of the market by campaign contributions from Alcohol and Tobacco companies thereby denying the rest of us the: Jobs, Money, Health and pleasure from legalizing marijuana.

- End -

Let's get HIGH on information.

UPLB reacts to ABS-CBN's Maalaala Mo Kaya Episode

2009-03-08T05:05:00.000+08:00

kakadisappoint ang abs. pft.

the anti-love notes

2009-02-08T20:37:00.004+08:00

I was going thru old emails, when I stumbled upon this message. I wont mention the people involved, lets just say that an old friend of mine is going thru the "fight or flight" stage with a certain girl and he was seeking help with my love expertise.

"my list aq ng posible mong gawin para makontra ang pagiisip sa kanya..

1. divert your attention - gawin mong busy sarili mo. do something productive na hindi makakapagparemind sayo sa kanya.

2. humanap ng ibang girl - kahit di seryoso, para lang my ibang nasa isip mo.

3. avoid - as much as possible wag mo xang isipin or maging topic ng conversation mo. stop talking about her!

4. have the balls - kung hindi mo na talga kaya..ang gawin mo make your move by still showing that you care. kahit ung mga simple lang. magcomment ka sa friendster niya, lagi kang magtxt sa kanya! kahit ano..at least kahit papano, may nagawa ka sa sobrang kakaisip sa kanya.

5. kalimutan mu na nga siya - need i say more?haha.."

...its so funny that I was able to come up with tips like this. maybe I really have a knack in the love advice business. If all else fails, I think I'll try to make this profitable and venture into something like this when I grow up.

valentines day is already so near that as early as now heart shaped anything are a bounty. a cheesy and cheap holiday that was made popular by American marketing. hmmm.. they should serve as an inspiration to me, for love and anything related to it, sells and valentines day is of proof. I may sound jaded but im still looking forward for this day. why? for hopeless romantics like me, its a storybook day. a day not to be reckoned with.

ugh, i don't want to over romanticize love [as it already is overly romanticized]. so i guess happy valentines day to singles, couples or even those with multiple partners. may you find bliss in whichever way or who you would spend this day with. after all, its about the person your with on this day which you decided special enough to be your valentine.

PS.
I'd never grow tired of spending valentines with you.
And here's to our first.
Im so in love with you Jasper.
:)

Blinded

2008-10-24T22:01:00.000+08:00

memory, a twisted intangible notion that even time may corrupt it with lies or add twinkles to it. good thing some details will remain unblemished for it won't be called a memory anymore but a delusion.

for the nth time i felt like i faced a head on collision with fate and the cosmic plans of the universe. it is in this vast wholeness where we feel like plans are being hatched and eventually takes in form into what we experience on a day-in, day-out basis. come to think of it, the options are limitless, as pervading and as exaggerated as the darkness of the outer space but for no reason at all, everything happens with exact specifications and laments a crack of unique quality on our jelly brains.

it is in every whiff or every glance that we encounter a speedy trip down memory lane. Then we point it out to "this" and/or that "reminds me of you" thinga-ma-jigg. it is a shared experience parted with a unique being that our brains recommends a certain frame of instance we may or may not remember at all until it is triggered again by, i call them, "history catalysts" that we start to recollect things, places, opportunities, or people that have gone by.

my straight ways may have come tumbling down, but now i start to see patterns of what used to be a hazy, discolored road. maybe this all happened to let me know who'll be there even if reality starts to introduce itself as a distant memory, a fucked up delusion.

i'm glad you stayed and now, i think everything's better.

don't forget to remember me.

Kung sa Jollibee maAGA ang pasko, sa akin maGANDA ang pasko.

2008-10-07T13:12:00.000+08:00

after a month of silence, here i am again seeking to reclaim any piece of creativity that are verbalized through these shabby penmanship of digital signs and symbols. and in that spirit, i won't try to nag and whine about the status of the premature-matured life i want. i had enough of whining already so instead i'll just go on and continue hoping. or in this case, wishing.

Yes its that time again for all our cold bitter hearts to forgive, forget and be merry as christmas is fast approaching. Im probably too excited since halloween is still to pass but for my guttered spirit's sake i just want to list up things to look out for since all excitement has gone like the lazy winds of summer and i've run out of decorative words to embellish this blog. so instead of a long written report of whatever my mind's rambling, i'll just deliver things in bulleted form.
pft, im just too lazy...

all i want for christmas is..

..US!
[Urgent Somethings]

digital SLR camera = i would prefer the model D60 but any will do. And this isnt just the try hard photographer in me, this is a must. i have a photography class next semester and hopefully, this wish will be granted before christmas.
digital camcorder = again, another school must. for this course i think i need to be wishing a whole damn studio just to cater to the demands of our curriculum.
a brand new computer/laptop/mac = as if a good camera is all i need, remember, media goes hand in hand with technology. good luck to my parents, i might as well rob them clean of money.
a decent sounding keyboard = if i am to wish for self improvement, then i'd go for my musical frustrations. and since the only instrument i know how to play - my voice - is sounding like two pieces of broken glass making out, then I should start having a back up plan if ever i want to be a musical prodigy someday.
artsy stuff = i have been wishing for this probably since grade school, all i want is a complete set of crayons, felt tip pens, paint, paint brush, canvass, a thick and better quality drawing book than what im using now, etc. my hands are all jittery just thinking of all this loot.
an ipod = in case you dont know, i have a record box stuck in my head and it sometimes interferes with how i mingle with the hormone frenzied kids i encounter. Sometimes i come of either as a deranged girl who thinks that the world is a big concert and that everyone cares to listen or as a deranged boy who thinks that the world is a big concert and that everyone cares to listen. Again, my voice is as flavorful as vomit.
a brand new look = im just too busy in my own world to care about all the people who defines me because of my glasses. as if that is who i am, the only reason i bought it is so that when i draw myself as a cartoon character, i'll have that easily distinguishable look. maybe all i am to them is a character. stupid people with mindless taste of what normal is. if normal to them is a silly blueprint of the first girl they see on the boob tube, then call me weirdo and jaded [but dont dare call me boobless or else!].
creativity = i promised not to whine, so i'll put it on better imagery. this year i have jugged a good amount of alcohol but all im really thirsting for is to chug down more creative juice. *kuliglig kuliglig* [see... lord, please grant me number 8]
learn the art of unsucking = i am the world's biggest sucker. sucker as in i should learn to say no to people, especially the ones i like. its like an instantaneous switch gets turned on whenever a person i like asks me a favor and poor 'ol me is a puppet tangled to the twines of hopeful vows and romatic outcomes. the next boy i'll like sure is lucky, for again i'll be all wrapped up in his spell and be too lovesick to remember this curse.

oops, i have to stop right about here or i may be the next material girl in line after madonna. if only generosity comes in the "limampiso tumpok" deal then i'll be clean out of coins until next year's christmas. Oh well, i can always go on wishing like every other year.

but to everyone, i know christmas gets a bit warmer each year and that chilley piney scent we imagine smelling upon setting up our plastic christmas trees is, well, quite gone. aside from the evils of global warming, maybe its to remind us of that warm fuzzy feeling, familiar of the first time you held hands with someone you like. probably its to keep us toasty for the cold hearted years to come.

ooh, i feel a cup of hot coffee brewing.
toodles.

Bold and Bad-ass

2008-08-19T19:01:00.000+08:00

I think everyone single handedly scrapes ones own skin for wounds to open, and since we declare war to proceed in our heads, that's a declaration of endurance on one owns capability to survive abstract entanglements. Its a force that opposes our will yet to mute it is not an option. Our hardships, I think, is a mere movie running on loop and its audience is just a you that cries to its every drama scene and laughs when needed. And no matter how much we wish for it to be projected on a large scale audience, your head is only a one sitter. But when everything else starts to run ammock, when it feels like each step is stuck on a bubble gum lying naked on concrete, to endure or to fight are the options, although fighting measures your endurace. We fall not because we're not good enough but its when we fail to endure until our means meet our ends.

We Mustn't Give Up.

narcisist kaya ako. pero ngayon lang

2008-08-04T21:28:00.000+08:00

(click on the image to have a better view)

after feeling the most responsible that i have ever been in the history of my history, i feel that i need a little time off to talk about, well my self. a poor neglected being lost in a trying-too-hard world of petty achievements and efforts. and though i am aware that i look the most appalling that i have been, i guess it still wont matter because all i have are sleazy thoughts with zero interest rate even for a brain like mine to register. and oh, this entry might get a little too brag-ish, even for my taste. just little warning. *laughs*

record breaking.

'nuff said. just click this site for more info.

too lazy to continue..
must..
lay..
to bed..
must..
not..
go...
on.....

*sing until fade*

Lame Excuses and My Sorry Ass

2008-07-12T22:37:00.000+08:00

Its just that I've been too busy.

Its just that the ropes I crossed have turned to thorns of rusty metal.

Its just that the night I used to worship is now a bullet shot in my head.

Its just that the books I turn to are droopy and forlorn, poor sagging willows.

Its just that moments have gone by and bookmarks are stuck in every page of memory .

Its just that I cease to embark on roads with rocks whose faces are not green with algae.

Its just that the beats I thump are long hours of pasty saliva.

Its just that papers are easily burnt and a troublesome scavenge.

Its just that I am too brittle to worship, turn, go, embark, thump and burn.

Loath.

Its just that I am too busy.

Hooplah and the likes.

2008-06-22T01:33:00.000+08:00

Why do I always hold out for people with no apparent care for what I do?
Is it so much to ask for things to be reciprocated?
Why is it that I fail to do what I want to be done unto me?

I am running on a treadmill backwards. Ah yes, the never ending tale of girl-likes-boy-but-boy-doesn't-like-the-girl-and-another-boy-likes-the-girl-but-the-girl-doesn't-want-the-other-boy story.

Is it selfish to go for what you want and disregard obvious yearnings of affection from someone who, with the littlest of your actions, generate the biggest appreciation of all.
Why can't the one you like and the one who likes you be just one person?

Questions like these only prove how ruined I am. Tangina, hindi ako inlab pero bakit ganito ko magsalita?

If I would have the chance, this would be dedicated to someone. Unfortunately, fiction flows in me like rabbid currents. This is an effort to break the monotony of non-fiction writing. And what perfect theme than unreciprocated love. Oh love, you really do conquer all. Even literature.

Please inspire me soon. My heart goes out to you.
xo xo

Rave! Rave! Raves! Part 1: The freak that I am, office style

2008-05-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

I was terrified on how folders, envelopes and paper fasteners are still of importance to offices, for the only folders I knew (and usually use) are the one's that are stored on my computer. And to hold actual files together, I use staplers. I was stupefied (nawindang!) on how things was so organized, amused by this amazing sight, I thought they must have used magic or some abracadabra spell of some sort. When this thought slapped my head, I was about to laugh as my boss was scavenging through files looking for my documents. I ended up grinning as I turned my head so he won't notice the madness that my brain organized. Now looking around, I imagined myself being eaten away because the office was so white, I thought this must be what it is like being surrounded by pearly white teeth, all sparkly and gleaming. Is a monster mouth about to engulf me?

A great week this was, for:

Death Cab for Cutie's new album Narrow Stairs hit the top spot on Billboard's Hot 200 Charts, meaning it sold the most album in the US that week. [5.20]
Same goes to Jason Mraz, his newest album We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things was on third spot. Plus I saw the video of I'm Yours, his debut single, on TV. [5.20]
Fonz, Rob and I bonded a lot this week. Although I had hoped that all our friends could be with us to join in on our fun. [5.20-21]
But the highlight of my week was on Friday, I came to work for the first time as an intern. I had a tough time at the first couple of hours but at the end of the day I was actually feeling good about myself. And if not, well they (bosses, officemates) could cut me some slack, this is my first job after all. [5.23]

...then I figured, it has no tongue.
I couldn't be more stoked. [5.25]

|Loving |You |Now |Distantly |Over |Nothing (I know I'll be fine)

2008-05-20T02:47:00.000+08:00

I have been pinpointing you with laser like accuracy since the wind kissed my cheek with your sigh. A moment to linger my dry skin until this obsession is over. After you swoon me with your glances, seemingly enough like we were sucked, teleported while our bodies distort in an elongated contortion, in a dimension emptied, but with you and me. Alone to swim around on pools of you. Yes this feels like getting drenched in the ocean, water permeating my body, swimming on almost zero gravity. My hair glides along curling and twisting to every ripple and wave. I feel so soft and gentle, ethereal even.
G a s p i n g, g a s ping.
Bubbles will explode on your face, ricocheting your sweet crooked smile. I will ride those lips.

...That's what it felt like when i saw you from afar.

I howl for your name. Echoing on murmurs of longing. I can smell you out of any crevice you're folding. I'd sense you, even the slightest hint of you is a mean to hunt you. My nails will stab through you and I will rip through your insides like an eagle clawing it's prey. Then my jagged teeth will gnaw through your tender, tasty flesh.
Stab, rip, gnaw, I will torment you.
This is a hunger like no other.

...Now, you're gone.

I never really had you, didn't I?

For The Benefit of Being Serious

2008-05-11T03:49:00.000+08:00

My life is a big wish list waiting to be fulfilled.
Throw in my way reasons of infinite negativity, and all will just be thrown back in rotation.
All dust will settle below but I will be floating in heaven's way.
I am your granted genie's wish catered to you at first hand.

Fixing the world one atom at a time.
Breathing in luck and blowing out misfortunes.
Maximizing my efforts because time ends as it starts.
Catching up to the loopy back and forts of my brain, helix-shaped.

Bombs to pity.
Realize that decisions encapsulate moments, distincting its features, sharpening its hints.
And a moment is all we have, a now to live by and not to be looked upon with shifty eyes and shaky fists.
Live in it then learn from it.

Fly on by then glide away.

[gagawan kita ng kanta balang araw. I'll groove to you all day, hum all afternoon and fuck you all night. Kaso ampanget ng title.]

[P.S.
Hindi ito tula.
Bahala ka ng manghula.
Hangang mata mo'y mamula, mukha ay mamutla at sa haligi ika'y tumulala.
Dito na nagtatapos, eto na ang mukhang nakadila. :P]

The Gift

2008-05-04T23:31:00.000+08:00

FOREWORD:

If death came in bad news, then I'm a rotten corpse buried six feet below the ground with a forgotten tomb by now. I supposedly conjure blog blabs if a special event happened or if it's harvest time for the sweet succulent fruits in the futile farm of my brain. And this entry is a combo of both, until harvest was too late and special events lead to a morning of stupid alibis and a spoonful of my mom's bratatat of words.
This is my ghost reaching out to you, hi-tech style.

***

ALPHABET MASTERY LEVEL 2: A HOMAGE

As we accumulate age, accepting arduous activities is an aspect that anchors accurate analysis with aching anxiety at the actual time. Blinded by this baffling buzz, we basically bask ourselves to benign bases, that, by and by bullies us to the bushes and beats us by the belly. We consequently choose churning our chances and charring our charisma that our character cusps. Denying duty is a disgrace. Everything ends and eventually we must extract and embrace its essence even if elucidates an evolution equivalent to eras extinct. In this feat, I feel, a Fahrenheit in high fences must be fastened in order to fetch many facets that falls farther forward to face fantods with frown faltered. The gapping galaxy is a grand gateway to grabbing gargantuous getaways that we should be gorging in it. But heaps of happenings in a human harbors haunt in our heads and hearts. Inevitable it may appear, but indigestion of information can be intended as ideal by illegitimating immense imperative intuitions. And by justifying our jigs and jogs judiciously and not jocosely. It is key not just kibosh. Its also a lordly lesson to learn that living lavishly is as lowly as lending in lust. Minimizing on our miscellaneous matters may maximize meaningful merits and misery may be missed out more. Not taking in negativities is also a note-worthy notion. Its oblivious how open we are to oppression of others but to oblige ourselves to oblation is an obscurity. It is in our palms to make pact of peace and place pride in the past; this is a paragon. This qualification, if not done quaintly would only bring us to qualm. Resentment to a rude routine rests in a rank and file reason that seem rational, but would reek in a radical rate to some. Seeking out solutions to our sentiments should solidify sanctions of solidarity. The time has tendered that we take tedious tactics to take down troubled times. Ultimately, we must understand this undertakings from the ulterior to the umteenth or unboundedness of the usual upsetting. Virtues are of vast value to veer the veins of vehement but venial vices. Wasting wagers over wrongful wars would only want us to wash everything up. Don't be xenophobic. Yond not on yester actions but yelp on the young that yokes the yearning of years. To zizz is to zig in the zealous zest of life.

***

SHET! MAHAL PA RIN KITA!

Bubot pa ako at hilaw sa pakikisama, tinuruan mo kong makipaghalubilo, makipagkulitan, magmahal at maging tao. Hindi ka naiiba sa karamihan nang unang pagsasama natin, aminado naman ako na nalaman ko lang ang bigat ng dating mo sa akin nung nawala ka. Higit kitang minahal nung wala ka na.
Mahigit tatlong taon ang inilagak mo sa piling ko, akalain mo iyon, TATLONG TAON! Halos di ko na namalayan, masayang masaya at kontento na kasi ako sa'yo. Wala na kong hinihingi pang iba, sabi ko pa nga sa sarili ko, hinding hindi kita papalitan. Tatlong taong pakikibaka sa relasyon, tatlong taon na nandiyan ka para lamang sa akin, tatlong taong tawanan, iyakan, harutan at kung ano-ano pa na ginawa nating dalawa, oo, nating dalawa lamang. Tatlong taon yon, akalain mo.
Nasanay na rin siguro ako sa'yo madalas tinotopak ka, asar na asar talaga ko sa'yo sa mga ganung panahon. Pasensya na kung lahat ng mura ay nasambulat ko na sa iyo. Tao lang ako, at alam kong hindi mo naman talaga kasalanan kapag di mo nagagampanan ang sumpa mo sa akin. Madalas rin naman akong may pagkukulang sa iyo, may mga panahon na hindi kita pinapansin, hindi napupunan ng atensyon at aruga. Patawad na. At alam kong sa huli, ako ang may kagagawan sa paghihiwalay natin. Muli, patawad.
Siguro nga may nakatagpo ka ng iba. Nung huli kong pagpaparamdam sa iyo, hindi na kita naabot. Nasaan ka na kaya? Sana hindi ka niya pinabayaan. Kung ganun lang rin, ibalik ka na lang niya sa akin. Ipaparanas ko sa iyo ang importansyang dapat mong tinatamasa.
Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko nung nawala ka...

...pero sa ngayon, napalitan na kita.

***

HINDI LANG BAGANSYA ANG TULOY

Sa lahat lahat sa buhay ko, pinaka nagpapasalamat ako sa IYO!*

* IYO - tao na tumukukoy sa sino mang nakasama ko [jazz rosende]. E.g. pamilya, kabigan, kaklase, kalandian, jowa, nakasabay sa jeep/bus/fx/tricycle**, nakahingahan***, guro/propesor, crush na hindi niya alam na pinagnanasahan ko siya, mga nanunukso sa akin, mga panakaw at hindi panakaw tumingin sa daan tuwing nakalagpas na ako sa kanya, sa lalakeng nagyakult**** sa tabi ng bus na sinasakyan ko, sa mga pulubing nakagiliwan kong pagtripan, sa mga baby na lagi kong tinititigan at pinanggigigilan, sa mga baby na pinipicturan ko di ko naman kilala, nagaabot ng bayad sa jeep, nagpaputok ng hangin sa pwet at itinaas ang kili kili sa muka ko, sa mga nahawaan at hinawaan ko ng ano mang virus o bacteria, sa manikyurista namin, sa aso ko, sa sino mang nakasama ko sa isang moment ng buhay ko. Inaacknowledge kita at binuo mo ang pixelated kong buhay.

** dahil kung hindi ka dumating hindi napuno ang sinasakyan ko at naloka kakahitay yung driver.

*** dahil tulad ko, fan ka rin ng oxygen at polusyong bonus (?) nito.

**** explicit content, berde!

Katumbas nito ang labing walong taong hindi ninyo ako pinagdamutan ng pakikisama. Utang ko sa inyo kung ano ako ngayon. Wag ka na lang sanang magpatubo.

***

EPILOGUE:

ang bahagi pagkatapos ng foreword ay pagpapahalaga ko sa mga letra, walang nilimbag na salita kung walang simbolo kung tawagin ay letra. Sinisimbolo rin nito na sa isang simpleng tao makakabuo ng isang tagpo, pangyayari, kwento o kasaysayan kasama ang ibang simpleng tao rin. Dahil sa inyo, binuo ninyo ang kasaysayan ko.
pangalawang bahagi nagpapahalaga naman sa SIM card ko. RIP! [nawala kasi cellphone ko e, pero may bago na kong number]
pangatlo, nagpapasikat lang ako sa inyo.

Pagkauwi ko, hindi ako makatulog kaya naglaro muna ko ng PSP. Walang pinatunguhan, YOU LOSE daw.