This is what I mean when I say slashed wrist

I am still a firm believer of epiphanies. It's not that I am bad in decision making (or am I?) but there are just those things where I feel I need to sit it out, do nothing and wait until I hear a bell ping (or gold to fall out the sky).

Some people say it's procrastinating, I say nay.

Like this blog for instance, during its creation I said to myself that I would at least write once a month. But excuses got lamer, days got more tiring, brain got stupider, ass got lazier, at this point, this is an empire fallen before it had seen its golden age. So once and a while I do have that horse kick feeling in my gut to blog and write my soul away and there I am, brain trembling in excitement, shaky fingers fumble away until it comfortably finds its way to the backspace button. The whole thing (the blog post and the idea) defeated by default.

Even now, several hair styles later, calories burned then renewed, fallen in and out of love, callous growing thicker by each step, and blogging is actually "old school", this thing is crude.

So have i grown crude?

What happened? As they say awareness is the first step, and in an attempt to calculate "what may have happened", these are some things I need to address:

1. The courageous persona that I try to embody is actually a wolf costume for the scaredy cat that I am.
2. That I fear a lot of things: change, chance, success, failure and all these are causing a personal disability called anxiety.
3. I still don't know what I want. I mean, I am prepared for battle, so prepared that my many armaments are causing me time and that the enemy have already attacked before I even decided which weapon to deploy.

Its not that I can ask the universe to mellow down, so can I just say fuck it? I just hate how I stop myself from doing things. The real life doubting Doody. A second guessing, post-teen angst, pre-pre midlife crisis experiences that is only putting me in a shit filled misery landfill. I'm blaming climate change, its melted my armor and burnt my braincells making me dumber and wimpier by each UV ray.

What's wrong with waiting for signs anyway? I say nay to procrastinating because actually I'm stalling.

How long will these fears keep me shackled?










....and the bus to crazy town leaves in
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